True Defense
by Asuka Kallen Akiza Haruno
Summary: The current drought of defense against the dark arts teachers at Hogwarts has Hagrid thinking unconventionally. The recent escapees from the top two prisons in the wizarding world have made a proposal. What if Hogwarts hired two defense against the dark arts teachers to ensure at least one of them wasn't killed or dismissed? Hilarity ensues when two OCs teach the kids TRUE DEFENSE.
1. The Prologue: drunken revelry

TRUE DEFENSE

"In recent news, Hogwarts has lost yet another defense against the dark arts teacher. Since You-know-who has resurfaced the school has been replacing teacher after teacher." The news flashing across the newspapers in a low lit bar said it all. A familiar face was sitting at a bar stool, his gargantuan size trumping every other patron.

"If this keeps up Dumbledore will be in over his head. Who is gonna take the job now with You-know-who running about." Hagrid sat and swirled his butter beer in his tankard, clearly perturbed. He was surprised when two men flanked him on both sides and they began to speak. "Fuck Voldemort! Yeah I said it. Voldemort is a bitch!" Hagrid's eyes widened when he heard this strange man's ramblings. He grabbed the man by the collar. "You can't say that name! If he happens to hear you, he'll be here in a second?!" The other man on Hagrid's right spoke up as well. "What is he going to do? We're right here. He can come and get us if he wants too. He isn't Sauron! That's a real dark lord right there! That boy tom riddle can eat a dick!"

Hagrid had enough. He had seen alcohol embolden some people, but never to this effect. "You guys have a death wish, don't you?" The two men smiled. "We do have a death wish: for every bit of evil in this world. We're out to kill them all." The other man chirped gleefully. "Like Pokemon! I didn't do a bid in Azkaban for sugar and rainbows! This is personal!" Hagrid gasped. "I didn't recognize you two, the mad cat Ian McIntosh and Liam "the bear" Quinn… leaders of the fallen auror squad." Liam smiled. "Ian had the easy way out. I had to break out of Nurmengard! Killed a Dementor, threw a rock, and broke his neck. fun stuff."

Hagrid was clearly happy. These two men had been his friends for some time. He couldn't help but feel as if his earlier concerns were about to be remedied. "How about a proposition, you two?" Liam sipped his beer as Ian traced his finger on the hardwood. "Keep talking…"

And so it began….


	2. Asses in Session

True Defense: Chapter 1- Asses in session

The Great hall was filled with clamorous noise as Albus Dumbledore addressed the student body. "Quiet down, everyone, please. I have two announcements that are very crucial to this upcoming school year. The first, is that Dolores Umbridge will act as an as high inquisitor sent by the ministry of magic. Please welcome her with respect and honesty. The second announcement is that the vacancy left by Alastair Moody has been filled. In these dark times we have decided that Hogwarts is in need of not one, but two defense against the dark arts professors. Allow me to introduce them. Both were students who excelled at this academy before becoming Aurors, Liam Quinn and Ian McIntosh! We have hired these two men for your protection. I'm sure they will do us proud. Any questions?"

The whole hall filled with unscripted chatter until someone put his hand in the air. "I have questions! Can we have a few children left behind policies? You know just in case they don't listen? Also, can keep a dragon? I'll feed him and pet him. I hear there is an open space in the chamber of secrets…." The person who raised these questions was none other than Ian McIntosh himself. The crowd erupted in laughter as Dumbledore let out a sigh and Delores Umbridge turned her nose up to the question. To respond Professor Quinn also raised his hand in defiance.

"Can I kill that hideous creature dressed in pink? I'm sensing some danger from her general vicinity. Not really from her per say, but from her general bitchy attitude. She has the air of a snitch." Dumbledore looked sort of concerned. Umbridge looked livid. "Not to point fingers or anything, but maybe this lady has a burrow up the Dark lord's ass." The room erupted in laughter again. Harry Potter didn't know what to think of these strange men, but he knew they were going to make life lively in his fifth year at Hogwarts. "I'm in for a wild ride huh."

Class was in session in the defense against the dark arts room at Hogwarts and the students filtered in from their various houses. At the front of the room sat a visibly dazed professor McIntosh and a slightly irritated Quinn. "Sit down you little shits! It's time to sink or swim! One lucky student will have the distinction of being my personal bitch. You, Longbottom was it? You shall now be known as Private Piles. Come to the front of the room!" Nevelle looked terrified. All the rumors swirling around about these men were crazy: prison breaks, reckless use of the forbidden spells, and general dislike for most people. Nevelle just wanted this day to be over, no Better yet this year. "Being the biggest kid in class has its perks son! You get to be the meat we tenderize first!"

Professor Quinn had a Devilish smile on his face as he made Nevelle draw his wand. Professor McIntosh still appeared to be sleeping. "Ok Piles, here's what I want you to do. Use the imperio curse on professor McIntosh. Wake his ass up!" Nevelle was amazed that one of the forbidden curses had to be used on his professor. "I can't! He doesn't deserve it!" Liam took out a cigarette and lit it with a nonverbal spell. "Do it you little shit! ARE YOU QUITTING ON ME?! WELL ARE YOU?! THEN QUIT YOU SLIMY FUCKING WALRUS LOOKING PIECE OF SHIT! GET THE FUCK AROUND THAT EMOTIONAL OBSTACLE! CAST THE DAMN SPELL! NOW MOVE IT! OR I'M GONNA RIP YOUR BALLS OFF SO YOU CANNOT CONTAMINATE THE REST OF THE WORLD!"

At that point Nevelle panicked and did as he was told. "IMPERIO!" The response was unexpected. Ian sprung to life and answered back. "Flipendo Tria!" The rest of the class was amazed. They had never seen a wizard that poised, or that ruthless, who wasn't a death eater. Nevelle was at first propelled through the air, until Ian caused his tornado to cease, softly placing Longbottom on the floor. Harry began to whisper to Ron. When discussing their new D.A.D.A teachers, Harry said that the teachers didn't have much luck as "One sacked, one dead, one lost his memory and one was locked in a trunk for nine months". "Maybe the position is cursed?" As if he overheard the conversation Quinn whipped out his wand and struck! "Glacius!" Ron was frozen, and Harry sat with a frost coating on his eyebrows. Draco Malfoy snickered at the reprimanding of his rivals until a flash of light hit him. "Incindio!" Before the class could return to decorum screams erupted from the room. Ian set Malfoy's cloak on fire! The spoiled rich boy scrambled as other students stamped out the quickly spreading flames. "You will pay for this embarrassment! My father will hear about this!" Both men laughed as the mortified student turned tail and ran.

At that point Ian turned to face the class. "First rule of class: don't expect any favors for being from a particular family, house, or whatever. We don't care. Second, do not disrespect myself or my partner by uttering the name of any of the other terrible failures that came before us, got it Mr. Weasely, Mr. Potter? Third, we are as unconventional as they come. You will learn, and you will stay alive, or we will kill you ourselves. We are at war kids, and war is business. We do one thing and one thing only: killing dark wizards. They don't have no soul, no compassion, and no mercy. They are the foot soldiers of a Muggle hating mass-murdering maniac." Some of the female students shuddered at the harsh reality the man was speaking as he continued. "Each and every student under our command owes us one measly dark wizard wand. And I want my wands…. All of y'all will get my wands, or you will die trying. Got it? We are in the wizard killing business, children, and business is a boomin!"

The students were speechless, all except one…. "I don't see the lesson in humiliation tactics and glorified bullying." These words came from the boldest female in the room, Hermione Granger. "I knew this bitch was going to say something, I knew it." Liam raised his hand as if to say it was ok. "Don't do it, I like her. She will from now on be known as khajiit." Ian just shook his head. "You and that damn game… Fuck elder scrolls." Hermione was silent. She was moved to silence for the first time in a classroom setting. The two men stood at the front of the room proudly. "This year is going to be fun! Assuming some students survive, and that is a big assumption, we will produce the most capable group of young wizards the world has ever seen! Class is dismissed! We don't have shit to teach you today anyway. Enjoy the rest of your day!"

The student's perception of the new teachers only mirrored what the other professors felt about them. The overall opinion was unanimous and simple: these men were insane. What was Dumbledore thinking? Professor McGonagall refused to comment on the new teachers, only uttering something about "missing them", Professor Snape was nowhere to be found when it came to questions about the new professors, and Dumbledore simply waved off their antics as good fun. He said that they had the best chance to teach the students real world defense against evil. Were they twisted? Yes. Are they insane? Most likely. That didn't change the fact that truly had something to offer and truly cared about student safety. Dumbledore enjoyed their presence, and external pressure from some parents didn't do enough to sway him. Umbridge, however, had enough.

The next time Dolores Umbridge saw the two professors in question she had quite the scare. In the middle of the courtyard at high noon students were screaming upon their brooms as something appearing to be an ostrich flying chased them mercilessly. On the ground prof. Ian was whipping his wand back like a deranged conductor to the sounds of a Muggle radio blasting "another one bites the dust." Umbridge looked infuriated as she approached the man on the ground. "What is the meaning of this? Why are you attacking the students?" Prof. Ian smiled and shut off the radio with nonverbal magic. "This is a training exercise: escape tactics 101. Liam has taken on the duty of decoy wizard. We told the students that should any of them avoid my barrage from ground while simultaneously dodging Liam in the air, as a flying fucking Ostrich no less, they would earn their house fifty points." At that point Liam touched down and bum rushed the pinkly clad woman and his partner. "Did you enjoy our demonstration, ya ugly bitch? We actually had two students successfully complete the challenge: Harry "Scarface" Potter and Cho "sweet thang Love you long time" Chang. I would say that by the end of next week we will have eight students escape, quadrupling the results. If that isn't progress I don't know what is?"

Umbridge looked at the men like they were mad, especially the one insulting her in the shape of an ostrich. As if to add injury to insult, Liam proceeded to peck furiously at her head. Liam waited until the children regained control of their bodies and he proceeded to speak. "Sorry, animal instinct. You look like a toad, and we ostriches hate toads. You know, I can imagine and transform into various twisted and horrifying shit, but I could never in a millions years match the sheer horror of whatever the hell you are. Your hideous visage is truly a modern marvel. The most fearsome creature I can't ever turn into….unless." Moving quickly, Liam reassumed his human form, grabbed a fistful of Umbridge's hair, yanked it forcefully, dropped all but one tiny hair, and then handed that strand to Ian. Ian proceeded to whip up a polyjuice potion, which Liam ingested.

What happened next marveled the class. Liam began to contort and shape shift, but he after several minutes he remained himself. "Guess that tears it: their can only be one thing as ugly as you! You are truly a terrible beast." The children laughed gloriously as the high inquisitor stormed off, her hair falling out in an embarrassing fashion. Hermione actually managed to crack smile for this one. "You teach me how to transform like that, and I may actually start to enjoy this farce you call a class, professors." The sneers made by the men said it all. "I like you Khajitt, you have ovaries of steel." This made Hermione redden slightly and sit back down.

Now if anyone had a question about how any of these nonsensical but practical ways of defending themselves would work, like Hermione often did, the way the professors handled it varied. Jokesters and assholes got an imperio curse that required them to do horrible acts of manual labor like cleaning kestrel stables or wiping moaning Myrtle's toilet barehanded. Students who talked too much often had elemental spells cast on them, and students who didn't speak enough got jinxed by a levicorpus spell. The weeks began to pile up as students actually began to demonstrate skill and resiliency during the grueling classes. This sparked an idea in the minds of the professors, after watching a certain film near and dear to their hearts….

CHAPTER 1 completed

AUTHOR NOTES- welcome to true defense, a scenario in which the students in Hogwarts actually grow some balls and learn to kick as after the fourth book. This story will feature the Great War and other conflicts as well as romance, death, violence, sex, and murder. (Sounds like the bible=) if you enjoyed this installment of true defense please review the work and look forward to the next chapter…. Entitled Jurassic Park….

PS. Please Favorite this, I am back with a vengeance after 4 fucking years baby!

LONG LIVE PROMETHEUS PROJECT PUBLISHING COMPANY LLC


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